The transformation of grief.

There are few things that change your life and leave you feeling more helpless and heartbroken than cancer. To watch someones body fail them while their alert mind looks on powerlessly can test you in ways you never expected and leave you questioning everything. When I was 13, I watched the grandfather that I adored beyond words vanish in a matter of months with lymphoma. At 22, I sat at the bedside of my great-uncle the day he learned that his stomach pain was actually a malignant tumor that would take his life in a matter of weeks. At 26 one of my childhood "adopted fathers" passed away with lung cancer and then not long after another one of my grandfathers was also taken. Over the last 8+ years I have also witnessed the slower battle my aunt fought and lost with breast cancer.

As I type this, one of my step-grandmothers (the family tree is a bit confusing) is slipping away due to pancreatic cancer. I spoke with her yesterday for what will likely be the last time. The conversation started with light joking but before long I found myself desperate to tell her all of things I want her to know in case it was my only chance. We are never really taught the language of dealing with an impending loss but we are instead given default phrases like "you are in our thoughts and prayers" to use as crutches. Instead I told her all of the things I would tell everyone else at her funeral because that is what I would want to hear. I told her that she has always made me laugh with her no-nonsense commentary and wry sense of humor; I let her know how lucky I have felt to have her as a part of my life; and for the first time in knowing her I told her how much I love her.

If there is any grace in cancer, it is found in the time left to say goodbye. For those that survive, it is also the life changing perspective and new found appreciation for every new day. I am thankful to not have lost everyone that I have loved who has been diagnosed with cancer or else this list would be much longer.

Perhaps this tragic dance with death has played a role in who I have become and why I try to constantly push every day to the fullest.

I found this beautiful quote from the Center for Loss and Trauma by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore that captures many of the feelings associated with cancer:

This great undertaking.
This grief.

I don’t believe I have the power
to face it alone.

To conquer the helplessness, the desperation, the agony
in every cell of my body. The pain that winds its way
from the tips of my hair to the tips of my toes.

For the first time in my life
I realize
that I have changed.
That I need others.

Gluten Free in the Holy City

Check out the article I wrote for City Paper on living gluten-free in Charleston.

Imagine that for your entire life you have felt sick. Between the fatigue, stomach pains, and nausea, you have been stuck in an endless cycle of dining roulette. The doctors assume that you are "just sensitive" and treat these symptoms with a variety of medications, but they never find the cause. Yet the older you get, the worse it gets. Before long, there have been visits to specialists, countless tests with inconclusive results, and the uncomfortable feeling that everyone thinks you are a hypochondriac. As the symptoms increase, it becomes impossible to lead a normal life out of fear that your stomach may stage a revolt, especially when it comes to traveling or even spending a day at the beach. You may or may not have been pulled over when speeding for a bathroom and forced by sheer desperation to throw your wallet at the officer's face while yelling, "I am about to shit my pants" and screeching off toward your house. Needless to say, your life is scoring a wee bit low on the fun-scale.

Then the day comes when you are told that there is a cure for what ails you and you will only have to give up one thing and one thing only to feel better: gluten. So, what is the big deal? It is only one little thing, right? And besides, what the hell is gluten anyway?

I can tell you firsthand that giving up gluten is no small feat. For many other gluten-sensitive people, their experiences mirror those described above. In the case of Michael Varnadore of Summerville, he found his answers through two-and-half-years of trial and error. His biggest challenge was gaining a complete understanding of what gluten is and in which products it can be found.

As Varnadore and I have both discovered, gluten's senior superlative was evidently for the "most popular food additive." It is a protein composite found in food processed from wheat, barley, rye, spelt, kamut, and oats. It is valued for its ability to give elasticity to dough, bind ingredients together, and provide a source of protein. In a nutshell, it makes things light, fluffy, and delicious.

From the obvious foods such as bread and pasta to less obvious items like luncheon meat, soy sauce, and french fries, gluten has made its way into almost every product in the grocery store. Just to make things even more complicated, it is not always explicitly named in the ingredients list, which is why there are now a number of companies labeling their products as gluten free. If this sounds a little overwhelming, then you can begin to understand how avoiding it can be more of an art than a science.

Instead of focusing on what cannot be eaten, sometimes it is easier to find out what you can eat. Fresh fruit, vegetables, beans, brown rice, eggs, alternative flours, dairy, tofu, seafood, and certified meat are all safe. There are a number of companies making gluten-free products including bread, snacks, desserts, cereal, and beer, although they will make a serious dent in your wallet.

There are millions of people like Varnadore and me who are negotiating these dietary challenges, yet not everyone has the same gluten-related issues. The spectrum of reactions to gluten can be divided into the following groups: wheat allergy, celiac disease, and gluten sensitivity. Wheat allergies are similar to other food allergies; they can cause hives, respiratory distress, and nausea. Those with celiac suffer from an inflammatory reaction in the digestive system when they are exposed to gluten; the reaction damages the villi (tiny hairs) in the small intestine and leads to the inability to absorb nutrients. Symptoms range from diarrhea to stomach pain, mouth ulcers, lactose intolerance, weight loss, anemia, migraines, lethargy, and joint pain. If you do not get diagnosed or choose to ignore the disease after you have been, you may end up suffering from malnutrition or developing intestinal cancer, diabetes, and other debilitating conditions.

My condition isn't quite as dire. I suffer from gluten sensitivity. Unfortunately, others like me exhibit the symptoms of celiac, but they test negative for a wheat allergy and celiac disease. However, they can alleviate their symptoms by switching to a gluten-free diet.

According to the Mayo Clinic, an estimated one in 100 people suffer from celiac, although many of them are undiagnosed and millions more are gluten sensitive. Although there is no definite number, recent studies have shown that gluten intolerance has steadily increased over the last 50 years. What is causing this rise in the number of cases? A variety of factors are believed to contribute, including an improved capability for diagnosis, the increase of gluten in diets, and the significant rise in other health conditions due to poor lifestyle choices.

Unfortunately for many individuals, it may take years to get diagnosed with a gluten-related condition. Kellen Lawson, an astrophysics major at College of Charleston, was diagnosed with celiac last November after a lifetime of stomach issues, blinding migraines, and malnourishment. Thanks to the keen eye of a friend's mother, a nurse practitioner, he finally underwent testing. Like many individuals who are unable to digest gluten, he is also lactose intolerant, adding yet another challenge to his diet. He has spent the last year learning how to cope with the disease while also attending class, working, and having a social life. Naturally, the things he misses the most are really good pizza and being able to eat out anywhere with friends. The silver lining is that his migraines and stomach pain are gone and he has learned how to prepare the majority of his meals from scratch, which is a good thing, since he says his friends and family "still have no idea what gluten is."

Luckily for Varnadore, Lawson, and many others, more and more people are aware of gluten allergies and celiac disease. There are currently dozens of gluten-free websites, new products on the market, cookbooks, and even gluten-free restaurants. Most major cities have an impressive selection of eateries, grocery stores, and meet-up groups interested in finding gluten-free, vegetarian, locally sourced, raw, vegan, or nut-free food.

So how does Charleston fare in the gluten-free world? Most of the large grocery store chains in the area carry gluten-free products, with Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Earth Fare, Harris Teeter, and Bi-Lo among the best. As for local restaurants, there seems to be a few leading the charge while others slowly get on board.

Tarteletteblog.com's Helene Dujardin, a writer, chef, and fellow gluten avoider, feels that Charleston restaurants still need a lot of education and training when it comes to food allergies. Although local chefs have demonstrated their culinary talents by showcasing local products and creating delicious meals for the all-eating omnivores, she believes that they are still a long way off from addressing dietary restrictions in their menus. Dujardin explains that this is an issue that goes beyond the chefs and begins with those on the front lines: the waitstaff. As the middlemen for the restaurants, the front-of-house staff must accurately communicate the capabilities of the kitchen and, in turn, explain the needs of the customers to the chefs.

Chef Michael Carmel, culinary department head at the Culinary Institute of Charleston, is working on addressing these issues. His students are trained on how to handle food allergies and preferences through a variety of courses from kitchen sanitation to menu development. Carmel believes that catering to those with dietary restrictions, whether it is gluten, nuts, or animal products, "is not only a business opportunity but it is essential." In his eyes, ignoring these groups is limiting your customer base and missing an incredible opportunity to stand out.

Rebecca Powell, head of the Gluten.net Chef to Plate program, echoes this sentiment. "Gluten-free customers are very loyal. If they have a good experience, they come back with their friends and family," she says. Chef to Plate is a national program designed to help restaurants create staff and customer awareness about gluten-free dining by providing free educational materials and listing participating restaurants online. In addition to this program, Gluten.net also provides industry audits and certifications for those interested in getting the gluten-free label for their product.

Although there are not currently any Charleston restaurants participating in the Chef to Plate program, a handful have started to train their staff and create gluten-free menus, including Five Loaves Café, Crave, Caviar and Bananas, Patat Spot, Mustard Seed, Fat Hen, the Daily Dose, 82 Queen, Basil, Café Kronic, Glass Onion, East Bay Deli, Hominy Grill, S.N.O.B., Charleston Crab House, Chai's, and Mellow Mushroom.

Patat Spot owner Phillis Kalisky Mair has always catered to customers with food allergies at her European friet and falafel snack bar thanks in part to her sister's own gluten sensitivity. The restaurant boasts gluten-free falafel, gluten-free fries, and homemade pita, and it will soon offer gluten-free beer and desserts. In addition to catering to those with gluten allergies, she is also conscious of people who are allergic to nuts. Although Mair acknowledges that it is a little more expensive to make some of the products, she has attracted a loyal fanbase. "So many people have food allergies and they have to continuously worry about cross-contamination," Mair says. "We have had customers come in, see our selection, realize that we understand their challenges, and they literally jump up and down."

Chef Fred Neuville of Fat Hen has received similar praise from customers for his wide variety of gluten-free options, accommodating kitchen, and well-versed staff. He relishes crafting new items for the menu that can be enjoyed by customers with food allergies. "There are so many things that you can make gluten free," he says. "Why not make something great so people can come in and enjoy themselves?" After taking a look at the menu, it's easy to see that he is putting thought into action. From gluten-free boiled peanut salad and crab cakes to duck confit and butternut squash rice, Fat Hen makes eating gluten-free dishes seem like fine dining.

When most gluten-free individuals are asked what culinary delights they miss most, two of the most common answers are pizza and beer — especially if the person you're asking is me. Thankfully, Michael Shemtov, co-owner of Mellow Mushroom's King Street and Avondale locations, listened to the collective voices demanding delicious gluten-free pizza and beer. While working at the Mellow Mushroom corporate office in Atlanta, he saw an increasing number of e-mails from customers that had spent their lives loving pizza and beer, only to discover they could no longer have it. Not only were these customers no longer able to come into the pizzeria, but it meant that their families and friends would be coming in less often as well.

"Gluten-free customers have the veto power on eating out with their family, friends, and co-workers, so it is not just about those living without gluten," Shemtov says. "Not catering to these individuals is very shortsighted."

Over a span of two years, the company partnered with a number of gluten-free companies to develop the signature dough they now offer in their restaurants. Pair this dough with a well-trained staff, a separate prep area, and a bottle of Estrella Damm Daura beer, and gluten-free magic is made. Recently, the West Ashley Mellow Mushroom hosted a private gluten-free party in which the entire restaurant was scrubbed down and they served gluten-free friendly food to over 150 customers. Shemtov encourages restaurants to tap into this enthusiastic crowd that he describes as "tremendously loyal" and "very well networked with one another."

In the end, the consensus seems to be that the Holy City has much to learn about gluten sensitivity — but it's getting there. To support and encourage this growth in gluten-free understanding, the first ever Gluten/Allergen Free Expo in Charleston will be kicking off on May 5 from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Omar Shrine Convention Center at Patriots Point in Mt. Pleasant. There will be gluten-free vendors and presentations from nutritionists, doctors, and chefs speaking on gluten-free living. Check out the event website, charlestongfafexpo.blogspot.com, for more info.

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Top 10 Gluten-Free Must Haves

1. Udi brand products, from bread to muffins

2. So Delicious Coconut Milk Beverage

3. Glutino brand products, especially the bagel chips

4. Diggity Doughnuts' gluten-free cinnamon-sugar donut holes

5. Redbridge gluten-free beer

6. Patat Spot bean potato cakes with cucumber dill sauce and friets

7. Pamela's Products' gluten-free flour mix

8. Five Loaves Café's soups

9. Gluten-free Chex cereal

10. Vegetarian burger from HoM sans bun

Dan, my chicken man, is at it again. Check out the latest addition to our backyard homestead- the mobile chicken tractor. Using almost completely reclaimed materials, Dan has constructed this sexy little coop at a remarkable speed. Our chateau de chickens will serve as double duty: it provides new forage for our chickens while putting them to work preparing our garden beds by weeding and fertilizing at once. For the next few weeks, the chickens will be moved around the empty beds to get them ready for our spring planting- hooray for backyard chickens!

A Goats Tale

Wednesday I started my day off one of the best ways a person can...on a farm. As if this is not great enough, there was the added bonus of baby animals. Within minutes of walking onto Jeremiah Farm and Goat Dairy I was on the ground cuddling newborn goats. The youngest one was two days old, all legs and curiosity. Its little hooves were so soft and tiny it melted my heart. Yet unlike his sisters, this little guy is not a hot commodity (being a male on a dairy farm) which means he is destined to either end up as a pet or sadly, on someone's dinner plate. It is easy to see people fall in love and adopt this four legged critters when they are sucking on your fingers and staring at you with their trusting square eyes.

For many people, the temptation to adopt baby farm animals is very great, regardless of their experience or housing. I have heard countless stories of people taking in baby chickens, ducks, goats, horses, pigs, etc. only to learn hard lessons in the care, knowledge, and budget it takes to care for these unique creatures. There was even a goat living on Folly beach inside (yep.) someones house. Beyond the need for space, specialized food, medication, and companionship, the often overlooked aspect is the lack of veterinary care available for farm animals. Unlike a dog or a cat owner, those with farm animals often must take matters into their own hands. Medical advice is exchanged online, from owner to owner, and at the local farm supply stores. This is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way with Billy the Goat, who did not survive long enough for me to even understand the problem that led to his demise.

Read about Billy's story here and here .

Even after such a traumatic experience, I found myself wearing rose colored glasses and before i knew it I was wondering if I could sneak a baby goat into downtown without causing a stir. As fate would have it, I actually ended my day with my old adult goat friends and was brought back to reality. I try to stop by and see them at least once a month if not every two weeks to make sure they are doing okay. Bob and Peanut are still hanging in there and now they are kept company by their younger sister Peaches and their two new pony pen-mates.

During my routine corral check, deworming, and hoof trimming, I noticed that Bob was spending a lot of time on the ground. As a three-legged goat, this isn't incredibly odd behavior, but he usually runs to the gate to greet me. When I gave him a once over, nothing was obviously wrong beside a small scratch above his tail. Yet if you are going to own a goat, you also always have to check the back-end to make sure they are no blockages or worms (not so cute now, huh?). That is when I discovered a deep wound hidden under the base of his tail that was oozing with infection. It took both Joseph and I to hold him down so I could clean it up enough to inspect it (while gagging) as Bob screamed the most heartbreaking sound of fear and discomfort. We called our go-to goat people with no avail and since the stores were closed, I headed over to Kipp's house to see if he had any advice or medication. Thankfully he was home and after a long discussion, I left with antibiotics, a tutorial on giving an antibiotic shot to a goat, and syringes. I headed back to the goat pen and illuminated by my headlights, I gave Bob his medication.

For the last two days, I have spend my evenings after work collecting supplies (including pro-biotics, wound cleaning spray, gauze, etc.) and administering drugs to my patient. It appears as though the wound is getting better but as mentioned, I am no expert and it is extremely hard to examine him. Having lost one goat in a matter of days, the last thing I want to do is miss something obvious that could stop his slide downhill. Even as I write this, I am thinking of things I should do, like check his temperature, the color of his gums, and the whites of his eyes.

My hope in sharing this experience is to give people a reality check before falling victim to the temptation to adopt cute baby animals and instead support the family farms that spend their lives caring for these animals by going to visit them.

I personally know of a few goats (and their respective farmers) that would love to have you stop by for a visit.

Goodbye Bogarden.

Please click the link to read my last blog post for the Bogarden: http://thebogardencharleston.blogspot.com/2012/01/goodbye-friends.html

Resolution.

As you may notice, I am making some changes to my blog. I hope that this post is just the beginning of many that will make it more fun, interactive, and interesting for you to join me on my continuous journey towards a more meaningful and conscious life. Keeping my blog updated is just one part of my New Years resolution.

Since 2012 is potentially the end of the world as we know it, I have decided that I am going to spend this year trying to get it right. Instead of a handful of small new years resolutions, I have selected the theme of "Quality of Life" for the next eleven months. Sure, I have some less grandiose plans like swearing off soda (again) but my focus is on finding a balance between all of my commitments, interests, and loved ones while living a healthier lifestyle. Here have been some of my declarations:

1. I will not work at all hours of the day and night.
2. I will say yes to more social engagements.
3. I will spend more quality time with my family.
4. I will try to stay in better touch.
5. I will make time to pursue my interests outside of work.
6. I will plan my meals better.
7. I will find fun ways to exercise.

So far, I have done a pretty decent job with only the occasional slip-up. I have been spending a lot more time with my lady friends, I am enrolled in an Herbal Apprenticeship (more to come on that topic), I went to my first Hip-hop exercise class of the year, I have only had soda twice, and I am already scheduled to see my family in the next few weeks.

That being said, I have a feeling that the next two months are going to be some of the hardest with so much happening at work so if I can make it through April, the rest of the year will be smooth(er) sailing.

Wish me luck!

Nuts.

Things have been a little busy the last few months- which for me should be expected- but I still manage to get swept up in a wave of my obligations and overwhelmed with self-imposed expectations. That being said, I have started over 6 different blog posts since the last one and never made time to finish them- but nothing motivates me like a good story. So here it goes.

Lately, Dan and I have been on different schedules. I am working the during the day and early evening and he is working the evening into the late night- so it is not uncommon for him to slip into the house under the cover of night.

Last week would be somewhat of an exception. Needless to say there was a little post-work indulgence one night after work that blurred into the wee hours of morning. I woke around 5:45 am to the sounds of a Dan finding his way to the guest room in a touch-and-go fashion. I considered getting up to check-in but it was frigid in the house and my aversion to the cold inspired me to leave him to his own devices.

About an hour and half later I woke up to the dogs tap-dancing around the bedroom with more enthusiasm than usual. As soon as I let them out, they ran to the guest room door and demanded to be let in. I will admit, I initially assumed they just desperately missed Dan, until I opened the door and they flew to the back of the room. At this point I left them to their own devices and headed to the kitchen for tea when I discovered the back door wide open. Before I could think too much about it, I heard Foxy in the front room going bananas (while Dan slept soundly).

We have had a lone rat or two make itself at home in the house and I always highly encourage the dogs to hunt them to the death. During these chases, Foxy makes a very unique whine/giddy/freaked out noise that was at that moment escaping her, so I decided to figure out the cause. As quietly as possible, I started moving a filing cabinet, boxes, and wires while the dogs became increasingly beside themselves. As soon as an opening presented itself, Foxy dove into the back corner and before I could react, a small furry rodent flew at my head and onto the curtains (cue startled screaming and dog barking). The trapped critter was flaying around in the curtains trying to escape when I realized we did not have a rat on our hands after-all.

It was a squirrel.

At this point I start laughing in that nervous but entertained way while exclaiming the word SQUIRREL intermingled with explicatives...

I know what you are thinking- this is the point where Dan shot out of bed, charged to my rescue and removed the wild beast. But you are seriously underestimating his ability to sleep through anything. Literally.

So meanwhile I have to drag the dogs, frothing at the mouth with sheer delight at our captive squirrel, and lock them out of the room.

I emptied a box and tried to corner the little guy using a broom but this elicited a glorious chase that included an attempt to escape up our blocked chimney, a rousing tour of Dan's closet, and an excursion through a chest of drawers. Meanwhile, Foxy has managed to wedge a surprisingly significant portion of her head under the door to watch. After a good chase, the squirrel and I found ourselves in a stand-off with our eyes locked as he perched onto of an oscillating fan and I promised him "I want you out as much as you want to be out- I will not hurt you" but he was not buying what I was selling.

After 30 or more minutes he eventually barricaded himself in a corner as seen in the picture.

Finally I popped one of our window screens out, created a barricade, and proceeded to wait the little guy out. The minute he showed his face, I went full broom on him and he flew through the air, out the window, and landed about 15 feet below on the sidewalk. He darted straight into traffic while I screamed "NOOOOOO" for fear that after all of my efforts he would end up as the exclamation point on a skid-mark. Yet my uninvited house guest managed to make his way into a tree and off to safety while chattering a stream of running commentary- which no doubt was about the crazy banchee and her two canine henchmen living in the house.

Needless to say, I was a little late to work, but thankfully my boss accepted my "Late Due to Squirrel" excuse.

In the end, Dan slept through the whole thing.